“Freelance Hack And Literary Mechanic”
Just getting back from New York Comic Con, where we were promoting my 35th novel, THE GLASS ABYSS. I invested a year of my life in that book, and it is now out in the world, and I will hear good things and bad. There will be moments of joy and pain. I will deal with it all, with joy, because this is the path I chose in childhood, the one the world told me I could not follow. It is my Hero's Journey, so when I wrote of Mace Windu and HIS journey, I had something honest to say. Will it succeed? God, I don't know. But I know I did my best: I genuinely cared, I genuinely tried, I genuinely put in the work, hoping that the fans would feel that I loved them and really felt grateful to be able to play in their sandbox.
I cannot grow unless I let myself FEEL their responses, positive or negative. And cannot risk my heart unless I know exactly how to regain my emotional balance if I get knocked off true. The worst review doesn't make me feel bad. I might CHOOSE to let it in, to feel enough pain to wake me up and say "hmmm. I could have done THIS better. I should have paid more attention to THAT."
But also to enjoy the moments when they say I did something they enjoyed, or created something meaningful. Its all part of the same thing. And if I don't learn to control my emotions I could NOT continue to be vulnerable. Would have to seal off my feelings and just offer my skills rather than my heart.
I remember an early autograph party in my career, when a writer in his fifties gave me his business card, which said "freelance hack and literary mechanic." And….he was dead of alcoholism within 18 months.
I was a young insecure writer who dealt daily with the fear that the world didn't want to know who I was, or what I thought. That they welcomed me as long as I hid behind Larry Niven's name…but would reject and destroy me if I dared speak my truth. But I looked at that business card, and knew it was the result of a man who had lost his joy. And I swore that whatever happened in my career…THAT would not be my ending.
###
People think "its easy to have a positive mind set if you're already successful."
While true, they miss the point: "its easier to achieve success if you have a positive mind set."
If you grasp THAT, then you can imagine the years of struggle, yes, when my own mother was so afraid of my ambitions that she BURNED my stories…but also why, every damned day, I took the steps of the MAGIC Formula even if I hadn't formulated them. And it is my belief that ANYONE who took similar steps would get similar results: my core "sankulpa" affirmation: "1% daily improvement in amplitude and congruence of body, mind, and spirit."
As long as I could see a 1% WEEKLY I knew I was on the path. The rest would be time.
But I constantly sought Maps and Models of the behavior and strategies of people who had accomplished the goals I desired. Who had the TRAITS I desired.
Took ACTION daily, 5-7 days a week.
Felt GRATITUDE daily. This was such a constant refrain among successful people AND PEOPLE WHO EVENTUALLY BECAME SUCCESSFUL. Positive emotions. They had just as much pain in their lives, just as much tragedy and disappointment…but like a star-gazer on a dark night, they found a single point of light to orient them.
Constantly sought to clarify my INTENTION. My goals. My "Sankulpa". Internal states that related to external, quantifiable results. "What gets measured gets managed."
And constantly remembering that there are only two questions in art or philosophy: "who am I?" and "what is true?"
One is asking about the nature of humanity and identity. The other asking what is the external world that human consciousness moves through. The theory: a person who knows themselves AND knows the world will not set goals they cannot achieve. They know what is necessary to reach Disneyland, and also understand their own resources. Where those circles overlap, they act.
And if they don't have the resources? Then they simply break the goal into smaller and smaller chunks, until they CAN see a path of daily action. At that point, the issue is NOT about what the world is. It is about who YOU are. Can you keep your word to yourself? Yes? Get to work.
No? Then THAT is where your work is. But you have to say it honestly: "I can't keep my word to myself. I let fear stop me. I cannot focus long enough to get my results."
Which then produces new goals: to be the person who can keep their word. To learn to use fear as power. To learn focus.
My chosen, favorite disciplines to learn these things were martial arts and yoga. WITH that physical foundation, then other disciplines of meditation, therapy, shamanism, journaling, and philosophy kicked in.
But with every one of them, the question was "who am I?" "What is true?" constantly using my incremental results, EVERY DAY, to see if I was getting closer to the truth. Constantly looking at the men I admired and the women I desired, and asking what THEY did. How THEY walked in the world, how they thought and felt. I needed to be a part of THAT tribe.
I could be the slowest, dullest, weakest member. I didn't mind. When working with Niven and Pournelle I felt like a puppy running around the feet of two adult Great Danes. When working out at the BKF I just wanted to not be the least of them. God knows I was never going to be the best. I intuited the price those champions paid to be who they were.
Remember one guy who walked in the school one day named R. The very first day, R was strong and fast, even if he didn't understand the movements. Every day I watched him get better, so fast it was intimidating. And my temptation was to say: oh, he's just better. He's "talented."
But then one day I found out more about R's home life. The abusive father. The neighborhood where he got bullied daily until he learned to fight back. The military service.
Dear God…there was no "talent" there. There was a survival spark that had been fanned until he said to himself "the world will kill me if I am not physically strong. If I cannot fight back." And "I am that bitch."
There it is. He decided to SURVIVE and took responsibility for it. He might not have thought about this consciously, but if you dig into the successes you ALWAYS find this moment, the moment they decided to CHANGE. And began the process. And paid the daily price in pain and frustration. You find this in poor people who decide to master their finances. People who have floundered in relationships and decide to upgrade their self-image. In people trapped in obesity who DECIDE to make the behavioral changes, even if they need medical or therapeutic support.
They DECIDE. They ask WHO AM I? and the answer touches something deep enough within them to create a solid base to act from.
I am Tananarive's husband
I am Jason's father
I am Nicki's father
I am Larry Niven's writing partner
I am Steve Muhammad's black belt
I am Harley Reagan's apprentice
I am Dawn Callan's brother
I am Sri Chinmoy's devotee
And I simply kept seeking the mentors who had pieces of the puzzle. Was it "luck" that they accepted me? Well, it wasn't luck that I asked a hundred people for help, and one of them said "yes." That's just statistics.
And it wasn't "luck" that I was able to learn, that the first steps were low enough that I could follow them. That was careful evaluation of where I was, and what teachers had helped people like me. Luck then, was constantly upgrading my preparedness, and constantly expanding my opportunities.
All most of them asked is that I respect and love them, and teach others. Which is why I do, every day. I owe them EVERYTHING, yes. But I know I was the one who prepared, and sought, and constantly dealt with the ego that said "the world is unfair! Nothing will work! I'm too small and weak or stupid or afraid."
Because I listened to what Dawn said about fear. Or what Steve Muhammad said: "The word defeat does not exist in my fighting science. I will find a way or make one."
Or what Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle taught me about work, and learning, and learning to elaborate on "bald and unconvincing narratives" or that if I have fun writing it, the readers will have fun reading.
That question: "who am I?" HAS to include "I am the one who can learn, grow, become what I need to achieve my goals in life."
And what are those goals? "To escape suffering, embrace joy, and be of service." And EVERY ONE OF THOSE THINGS is under MY control. Don’t cling to my pains and fears, live in the moment, and I have escaped suffering. Find the joyous core of my being and EVERY DAY connect to it (SMILING when you first wake up in the morning, then holding that smile until you can think of something you're going to do today to be happy) allows you to act from love rather than fear. And that is a major developmental step. Then, finding a way to be of service to the world puts you right on the path.
That's who I am. And I don't wake up that way. I DECIDE to be this way, every day, and have FAITH that it is possible, because there are others who do it. I don't argue with them. I humble myself and ASK what they are doing. Harley Reagan taught me to look at different patterns of energy from different cultures, and use my own heart as a Rosetta Stone to ask where martial arts, and Shamanism, and sexual magic, and "success philosophies" all were looking at the same point beyond the horizon, using different words for the same thing.
And that the world, and reality were just an energy dance. I asked him once why he was so open with me, why he had welcomed me so closely into his tribe. He waved his hand in the air and said "because you don't believe in any of this, do you?"
Meaning: I didn't believe in the same "consensus reality" that had been given to me in childhood. Had never stopped seeking the truth, and trusted my instincts to guide me even if they contradicted what my heart and head wanted.
Get that? Map, Action, Gratitude, Intentions and Core "who am I?" And CONSTANTLY seeking to improve these. This is one thing I demand from students: do NOT think you can follow me to your destiny. You MUST find other teachers, other maps. Anyone who complains about money needs to memorize "Think and Grow Rich" and its 13 Principles. You CANNOT follow them AND the MAGIC Formula without changing your life. Just can't do it.
And your ego knows this. And will throw up every defense. Oh, you're "already doing everything that can be done." "Already working as hard" as you can.
The second may well be true. Most people are pushing themselves to their edge. Because they have maxed out their natural understanding. And if they worked that hard but changed their strategies, always keeping their eyes on their objective goals and daily measuring whether they are following some version of the MAGIC Formula…daily asking "who am I?" and "what is true?" they WILL change.
And if that change would shatter their egos, disrupt their relationships, violate deeply held but incorrect beliefs…the actions will trigger fear.
And according to the martial arts and yoga, the best way to deal with this is not head games but shifting PHYSIOLOGY. That BREATHING thing.
If you can see how this all connects, then we might be seeing the world the same way, or close enough for my words to make sense. I hope so, or that you find another path that does.
But "up, sluggard, and waste not life" as Benjamin Franklin said. Every day, action. But START with joy. If you don't, even if you succeed you'll get to the mountain top in your industry and find yourself unhealthy and unhappy. Alone. Because you didn’t bring the joy WITH you.
###
That's the task. Every day: learn, apply that learning to the material world, generate joy through gratitude, clarify your intentions and atomic micro-goals, and commit to being the YOU you dream of being, the one whose daily actions can create the life you desire.
Namaste
